This brandnew MEME was created by my incredible friend Barb. She´s the limit! Visiting her is always worthwhile. Please stop by the Heads Or Tails HQ for more participants.
BEGINNING
© 2005 Sanni
There was a period in my life when I felt completely incomplete, asking myself:
If a whole is something that has a beginning, a middle and an end…
what then, am I?
On the one hand I lived in a pretty cool flat share with my best friend Chris. I found myself surrounded by wonderful friends (counting my family in). I´ve had a very good job, very well paid – and our team was a “little family”. The first time for ages I was close to be satisfied with myself. My weight was on a “ok-level”, the last Crohn´s flare-up was ages ago, but…
… on the other hand… my relationship… sucked big time. The guy I was dating didn´t give a shit didn´t care too much as much as I wished about me. Everything and everyone else seemed to be more important to him. It was elsewise when our relationship started and in retrospection my own behavior might be a reason for the situation. I withdrawed more and more after his confession (he had cheated on me while he was in a jolly mood drunk – oh, what a fine “excuse”!) – should have broke-up instead of wasting time trying again. My self-confidence shrunk every day (“Sanni, you were my dreamgirl… if you´d lose 15kg (33lb)!” – Ed. note: My scale showed 143lb that morning. He wanted me to be a scrag of 88lb?!?!) and I started to paint again, when I was alone, not showing my paintings to anyone. However, one day, in January 2005, I tried to express my feelings with watercolor and carbon…
What am I? I am not half the [insert positive attributes here] girl I was.
If a whole is something that has a beginning, a middle and an end…
what then, am I?
Completely incomplete…
I realized it was time to leave… time for a new beginning.
Today I´m slaphappy, feeling complete. I´m a bitch, I´m a lover, I´m a child, I´m a mother, I´m a sinner, I´m a saint… I do not feel ashamed.
Frank is the best “better half” (remember the “little family” of co-workers I mentioned before? That´s where we met) I can imagine, our little son Luis makes me proud every day. I´m owned by a Furry Diva – and my little family overwhelms me with love every day.
We´re still surrounded by wonderful friends, both old and new ones (the ex mentioned above did undergo a radical change. Today he´s Luis godfather, plus the many cyber-friends I met since I started blogging. Love ya all from the bottom of my heart!)
My beloved parents became proud grandparents.
Of course I miss Chris every now and then. He moved to another town with his girlfriend. The last time we saw each other was on his birthday on Dec 16th, 2006. It felt kind of strange to celebrate my birthday without him this year. The first time for 20 years he was not here. The reason might be his vocational re-training is keeping him too busy (That´s the lame excuse I came up with for myself to protect me)… or the reason might be his girlfriend who hated me from the very first moment she saw me (That´s what my friends assume)… or maybe he simply doesn´t like me anymore… but he skipped Luis christening and 1st birthday party as well. Can´t imagine he would carry forward negative feelings about me on a baby… plus I don´t know what could have been the reason why he should have changed his feelings about me and our friendship. However, the answer is gone with the wind… and I try not to bother myself with this anymore, just wishing all the best for his new beginning.
We don´t have as much money as we used to have, but we don´t care. My “new job” isn´t well paid in tangible goods – I´m (over)paid with baby-laughter =). Can´t imagine anything better.
Life´s got a meaning. Could life be any better? No way! I´m sure I will never ever again be in need of a new beginning.
Love & PEACE ♥,
And now…
… our moment of Homer J.:
Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.
… and that´s the new look I´d like to have:
I love Rhianna´s style, but this haircut would be a major change in the length. It took my ages to grow my hair… so I don´t know what to do. Maybe I should begin with a minor change like this?
